A message to my friends.

I've been feeling the need to share how I'm feeling at the moment. Im not very good at articulating myself in person so I thought it would be better if I wrote it down. I let my insecurities get the better of me when I know that I should know better and I can imagine you saying I should know better than that... but, dont know how to stop thinking it. Anybody who knows me knows that I am not a social butterfly. I put on a front temporarily and then when I get home I feel like a zombie.

The energy I invest into the small things throughout the day often leave me feeling exhausted and too tired to attempt a social visit... Especially work. And I find after work I don't function too well. Sometimes I don't function too well before work and I have to brave it and face the day somehow.

Social activity even with my own family can often feel overwhelming and I end up confining myself to my safe place... though I hate being alone. I say hello to my family, sit down for a cup of tea and then retreat back to my safe place.

A very confusing sense of relief in a way but an intense feeling of loneliness that I feel I cannot overcome... it's been there all my life.

After seeing people I feel like I have been drained.
I am constantly observing my surroundings.
I am multitasking constantly.
Processing my thoughts, feelings environment and the task at hand. My brain is trying to take it all in and I don't know why it does this. Like a sixth sense. I can't filter out everything else just to concentrate on one thing...like speaking to you.... I want to shut off this ability to deep think and be so highly observant and aware, maybe then I can feel at peace within a conversation... I get fed up of assessing every move I make. It's exhausting and annoying!

Sometimes I can't bear to even think about seeing anybody. And if you're ever thinking I'm ignorant, chances are I've already beaten myself up mentally at the thought of you perceiving me as ignorant.
I am confused more than anything...all of the time. My social life, or lack of is dominated by fear.

Sometimes I can go weeks without seeing anybody like I am now.
It hurts. I don't like it. But I see no other way of coping...I feel afraid and I don't know why. Then other times I am confident and ready to take on the world, only to find myself crying after a social visit, even if I've had a wonderful time. But please don't let that put you off spending time with me... these are precious memories that I cherish spending time with you and the aftermath is bloody worth it!! You cheer me up! And you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.... you guys make it worthwhile cause you're awesome.

The smallest of pressures in life can alter my thought process. Just going for a bite to eat... A birthday party... A meal...
I hope you don't mind me passing up these opportunities 90% of the time.
I cannot stress how much these things affect me physically and mentally and I am in a constant battle with this because part of me wants to partake so badly... to be able to have a normal fulfilling social life and not be crippled with the social anxiety and exhaustion prior to each visit.

It is so hard to pretend. So hard to pretend that I am okay and that I am coping with the situation. Not feel like a freak when conversing. But I can't help assess the way I  am speaking and being. It fucks me off to put it bluntly. It's present all of the time.
My brain gets overwhelmed.
And the only way I can explain this is for you to imagine being oversensitive to all senses. emotionally too.

I get so down about it.
And then I hate myself more for feeling like a failure with the inability to keep a consistent flow of friendship when I try to be a good friend.
And then I isolate myself because I feel I'm such a useless friend that I'm probably better off not trying at all.

My inconsistency is a result of the pressure I put on myself to do these things... Nothing you guys are doing.

I just want you to know that I love you.
There is a reason you're my friend.
And I know that is because you accept me for who I am, faults and all. And I love you for that because in a world full of shitty people, you are my little saviours.  Each time you reach out, I don't feel so alone. I may be useless sometimes with responding but chances are I'm probably hiding away from the world until I am able to resurface.
Depression hits me hard when it comes round and I don't know how I manage to pull myself back out of the mess I get in...And when I get depressed I'm even more sensitive to the world around me.

Sensory processing disorder.
Part and parcel of the whole autism thing.

I'm tired of beating myself up. I wish I could ignore myself! But I want you to know that I miss you and I feel sadness when we don't chat in a while...or see eachother!
Never be afraid to reach out to me and I will try my best to do the same. I may not always be present in person... But I am always there for you.
Thankyou for being my friend, being little treasures that look out for me. You're amazing people. Just don't ever forget that just because we haven't spoken in a while... that I'm not thinking about you or wondering how you're doing.
Lately I've been even more shit than usual in my efforts to connect.... in case you haven't noticed haha. Nothing new there though! I admire your persistence with wanting to keep me as a friend especially when I disappear into my cave from time to time because it saves me.

Anyway totally dragging this out.

I hope you're all okay.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡