Dad

Dad.

It's been 16 years.

It seems like a lifetime ago I last saw your face. Touched your hands, rubbed my face against yours. Heard you sing whilst combing your hair in the bathroom mirror. I haven't been called my nickname Boo in years. I miss that. It breaks me to know that I have spent more time on this earth without you than with you.
I'm writing to tell you that I'm no longer angry or bitter.
It has taken over a decade to fathom what happened to you but I have finally found acceptance and the ability to move forward with my life.

For years, the aftermath of your death coincided with a dark fear and a feeling of dread that I couldn't contend with; and too many times I became plagued by feelings of isolation and intense hatred. I turned that hate against the world into hate against myself. But my self-loathing lead me down a very dark path. I couldn't find any positives in you leaving this world.

But none of that matters anymore. 

I let it all go now; I just needed time.

Time really does heal. It took me 10 years to be able to speak about you openly to people. It came through making mistakes that lead me to grow as a person. There was no room inside my head to process your death as a child; I was deprived of my childhood grieving for you. I hated you for that, but then I remind myself of the good times we shared and even though you were a pain in the arse you are still my dad and I'm so lucky I got to spend those first few years of my life with you. I know it wasnt your fault. I had to grow up then but as I became an adult I learned to accept that death is a part of life despite it being unfair. It's shouldn't be feared and you must learn to accept it, because it's out of our hands. But I do fear it, I can't deal with the thought of nothingness, or leaving my loved ones behind but I guess it's something I will have to get used to.

As a child, I wanted to believe there was a heaven. I wanted to believe that I could see you again. But now I realise that the concept of a heaven is just a coping mechanism to be able to carry on living in a world that was turned upside down and broken; being held together by hope that I will one day see you again and be able to tell you that I tried my best at this life; I tried my best at making something of myself.

I try to follow in your footsteps. You worked hard and became successful in your own right, as am I. But I feel so incomplete sometimes and it really does get to me like nothing I ever do is fulfilling.
Now I know that what pushes us as hardworking individuals is not money, it isn't the need to be seen by the world; it is for validation and praise; from those who truly matter to us and I try to make you proud even though I am not a believer in the afterlife or a heaven. I try to make you proud because I want to feel proud of myself. Then I will feel accomplished and successful. I don't believe in heaven...But maybe there is something....

I want to tell you that It's okay. You made a mistake and it cost you your life; and that makes me sad but I am not sad for myself, I am sad for you. I am sad because your path in life lead to you missing your children grow up. You're not here to witness our strength and courage and see the lives we have managed to painfully and reluctantly rebuild in your absence. It was a horrible few years after you died but the world keeps spinning and we had to move with it.

I am no longer referred to as that poor little girl who's dad was found in the river.
I am no longer a victim.
I am so much more than I ever imagined and more importantly I am alive and well.

I got my diagnosis for ASD Dad and the older I become the more I see myself in you.
I know now why you were so lost and so messed up. I know that feeling of worthlessness, that lack of understanding of life and what the hell it all means but I want you to know, speaking now as an adult, that I understand you. You were never alone dad you just had difficulties and needed help to accept that you were different just like me. We needed eachother.

Grieving felt a million times harder when my outlook on life and my perception of the world made it difficult for me to understand the concept of love. Why we love somebody, only to be torn apart when separated by life's inevitability. Why are we put through so much pain? Who knows.
But I thank my lucky stars I said goodbye to you that morning and the pain of losing you is worth it for the little time we spent together.

A positive from a negative, some people don't even get the chance to say good-bye.
I did. And I am thankful for that. I miss you so much. It is a void I cannot fill...an emptiness that never leaves me.

The times I have screamed your name, the nightmares where I have seen your death haunted me all those years but not anymore. You really messed me up dad, without intent but now whenever I think of you I just see your humour.
I am filling my life with love and happiness and I grab every opportunity thrown my way... I just wish you could have been a part of it.

But I know better than that.

Part of my grieving process was to stop saying "I wish" and "what if".....they won't bring you back to me, just keep me stuck in the past. I have had so many questions unanswered, so many moments where I have craved your support and input. Mam is a brilliant mam and mentor. She is my guide  and helps me with everything.

To the rest of the world, your pain was hidden by a smile and character. A facade. You had so many people who loved you but nobody truly knew you, not like we did. We saw you, the real you. Behind that mask. We saw your fears. Your inability to function with day to day life despite your achievements.

I know somebody just like you.

So here I am as a 26 year old. I have come a long way since those dark and dismal days.
Because I had my family. I live a good life, but It's been hard not having you here...life has changed so much.

We're all good Dad. We all look out for eachother. We're all there for eachother and are super close.
We all power on through, overcoming life's obstacles! You live on in our memories and I am a part of you and so you are with me every step of the way.

If you had not died, I would not feel as strongly about love as I do now or understand the importance of it. If you had not died I would not be as strong as I am now. I would not have achieved as much as I have because the want to make you proud even in death is what has motivated me all these years. You died at 39 and one day I will be older than you. I hope. Life happens in mysterious ways but I want to live a long and fulfilling life and make the best of it and do all the things you didn't do but wanted to do. Determination.
If you had not died, I wouldn't have learned this harsh lesson in life that people die wether we want them to or not. It's a part of life.

I wouldn't have realised my ability to withstand pain to such extent. I wouldn't have truly known myself or how strong I am. I will continue to turn the negatives into positives.

I love you and I miss you and I mean that wholeheartedly. Always and forever. Yn  wastad ac am fyth.

Your Boo.