Social complications.

I'm sat at the table. Everybody is talking and I'm bricking it. I'm trying to disguise it; people are laughing and joking, but not me, for the past 45 minutes I've barely uttered a word. I can't bring myself to do it. The words are on the tip of my tongue but I can't say them.

Just say it...say it, everybody else is talking. Why can't I? Say something. For f' sake.

There is a lump in the back of my throat. I feel slightly sick. Why is this happening to me?

All of a sudden somebody tries to converse with me. My instant response is to panic. I said something. I mumbled a bit, but I still said it. The expression on my face should hopefully conceal my intense discomfort. This happens every single time I speak to people who aren't authoritative figures, people my age, or to people I find intimidating for whatever bizarre reason... which is most people. They are looking at me but I can't cope with the expectation of a response, let alone try and focus on the topic of conversation, or even look at them. Are they speaking to me because they are genuinely interested? I am paranoid. I'm very overwhelmed. I am holding on by a single thread, but hopefully nobody has sensed this. Nobody has seen my weakness. I'm going to the dressing room so I can criticise myself harshly on my epic failure. My brain feels scattered. Will they notice I am gone? Do they think I'm a freak? Did they see my difficulty? Why is it so hard to do this? It's words. I say words everyday. What's so difficult about them now?
Everything is difficult about them.

Can I recall a time when I didn't have this level of self-awareness? No. I don't want it. It. I'm back at the table...and this is fear. Now there are more people talking and there are so many things going on at once I am just observing the situation and trying to process all this information and make sense of what is happening at this precise moment. Someone is talking to me but I am trying my very best to listen but all I can hear is noise. Can't they hear it? How are they not overwhelmed?

I just said something else!! 

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have. It was inappropriate, or was it not? I don't know...I'm confused. I think they're offended but I'm not sure. Great.....all that effort and now I've fucked it. Did I cross the line? Where the fuck is the line?

I can't do it anymore.

I came here with all guns blazing. Maybe this time I can have a laugh with someone, find some common ground. Just speak like you would back home to your boyfriend or mum; but here I am... amongst the chaos in my head floating around this room actively trying to avoid conversation.

But I want it so badly.

I want nothing more than to connect with people.

But I am a freak.

They've noticed. They know it. It must be common knowledge by now. I don't want this.

I have observed people's behaviour so many times for so many years and despite the ability to skilfully apply it to my own social behaviours, I'm losing here. Pretending can only last so long because sooner or later my script runs out.

#fuckingloser

Somebody build my trust by speaking to me. Somebody break my trust by speaking to me.

somebody please just speak to me, give me a chance.... but no... please don't. I'm too busy a moment; I am making an in depth analysis of this whole situation and I can't tell if people want to genuinely speak to me because they like me, or just because they feel they have to.

Believe it or not ladies and gentlemen. I'm not on any drugs. I feel off my face most days when my brain becomes overwhelmed and I can't function properly.... I disconnect from the world and lose myself in my comfort of drawing.

Drawing will never leave me, reject me, dislike me, unknowingly pressurise me, knowingly pressurise me. It will never judge me. Never pick me up or drop me when convenient. Dislike me for my lack of social skills.

But humans do.

They're looking at me now. I wonder what they're thinking, judging me harshly with their social expectations; expectant like everyone else; expectant that I should be like them. I'm exhausted. It is painful, I subject myself to this because I have to, because I don't want to be alone in this world, but being alone sometimes feels like the easier option either way, I don't want to find out.

I leave the table.

I have disappointed myself. Disappointed that I couldn't pretend just that little bit longer. Disappointed that I'm not fooling anyone, just fooling myself...cry about it and wallow in self pity because you can't be compliant with society's rules. Go home and make your life a misery, write about it in your blog. Re-Evaluate the situation and where you went wrong over and over in a vicious cycle until you break down and hate yourself for everything that you are.

"we're all a little autistic" though, right?