A train journey

One of my biggest struggles is transition.
My brain lacks the ability to manage some structures with ease. For example, today I had to plan a journey home from London.
I'm not too good with these things.
I know that I needed to make a phone call to the taxi company and also get tickets for my train.

This requires thought process and structure, one of the things I find hardest.
I tried to book a taxi through an app, which I wasn't able to do. I already felt frustration. I need help but I get embarrassed.
The app is confusing me because I can't focus. I'm looking at a screen and the content means nothing to me, it's just pictures and words, the layout isn't very distinguishable. Hard to decipher when I'm anxious, there's no clarity.
I start to feel pressure because I know that I am going to have to phone them and speak to them, phonecalls are worse than speaking in person because there's no escaping the awkwardness and pressure for a quick response, which is difficult when my brain need a little more time than average to process the question to then answer. I guess most people dont have the patience for that shit during a phonecall. I don't like phonecalls, though I am much better at them than I used to be.
I call them and a lady answers the phone.
I always panic at this point.
What I am going to say, how I am going to say it, im very aware of tone of voice I'm going to use...but the pressure of someone having to wait for my response is horrible and I struggle with that. I ask if I can book a taxi and pay over the phone.
I mumble and mess up my words and I'm scared she will notice I'm slightly odd.
I try and keep my cool. I think it went okay this time. Why do I care so much about how a person I am never going to see or speak to ever again thinks of me?
My taxi is arriving in 6 minutes and I can only just manage to scrape my hair back in a ponytail. Depending on how I am feeling, brushing my hair is a painful task in itself. Like my hair is being pulled at the root.
I throw everything into a bag. I know I will forget something but I just don't even know where to start when it comes to writing lists to remember. I need help with those things, so fuck it. I just want to go home. I have been stuck inside these four walls of my hotel room for weeks. I try to be social but I just can't deal with it most of the time despite how much I try to do normal things. I like one to one but never feel comfortable with groups. It's nice to be included and makes me feel adequate but most of the time I can't relax enough to make conversation because there is so much going on around me. My brain gets overwhelmed and sensory overload starts creeping in.

I can't cope with the busy streets of London, everything is extremely fast paced and moves so quickly my brain can't keep up with it. I miss home. I don't like walking around London when I am filled with anxiety, I also feel so isolated and alone in my hotel room. It is breaking me and I feel intense desperation and need an escape. So I feel I have no choice but to go home.

My taxi is here.
I say hello. I hate the awkwardness of a taxi ride, I'm just thankful that today I need not converse. The driver doesn't really seem the chatty type which is great for me right now. I have to keep my head straight because I get travel sick a lot when I'm not in my own car. I miss driving my own car. My own car is a safe place. It's one of my safety blankets when I need an escape. But there is no safe place for me in London.

I book my train ticket online on my phone and again, it all looks like pictures and text. It means nothing to me. There is music playing in the taxi that I would really like the driver to turn down but I feel like I can't speak right now, despite it heavily distracting me from the task at hand. I Can't bring myself to open my mouth for words to come out.

I somehow have a barcode instead of paper ticket and now this puts me into a slight panic - I don't like change. I'm unsure how to use a barcode at a station, I've only just overcome my fear of the ticket machines.
I try and relax so I don't crack.

Paddington station is busy as hell and as much as I try to zone out and shut off to everyone I'm constantly on edge and scared that something will go wrong. I know that I worry excessively over small things but I also know that if one small thing goes wrong it disrupts the rest of the day. There are so many people here today. Some days I manage, others I don't at all. I shouldve gone first class. I wish somebody could've helped me when booking.

What's annoying is that being intelligent I am left embarrassed at the thought of the rest of the world seeing me struggle, seeing my weakness and making fun of me for it or mistaking it for stupidity.

I get onto my train. I struggle to find a seat (again I wish I reserved one when booking)
I manage to find one but it's on the inside of the carriage, although I'm glad I found a seat I am still worried about the possibility of having a meltdown and not being able to turn my face away and hide like I could if I was sat next to the window. But I close my eyes and I put my hands over my ears for a few minutes. I don't care that there is a woman opposite looking at me like I am some sort of freak. I will sit and mind my own business. I feel myself starting to drift off and before I know it, a family sit at the table in front of me. The children are noisy.
back to covering my ears.... I can't cope with this, I can't even get up to move, every noise they make is pain to my oversensitivity... I know it's not their fault. I am stuck on this train and there is no 'safe place'. My headphones are broken so I can't even try to distract myself... I want to get up and go to another carriage but I can't bear the though of walking past so many people right now I am on the edge. There are people talking on their phones, people laughing, people complaining, people making all sorts of unnecessary noise, everything feels amplified and I can't filter out any noises, they all come at once, it is times like these I don't see myself as autistic....just well...broken.

I say broken because, I have spent my life saying I am...because before my diagnosis at 25 I was just broken. It's a bad habit and I often have to remind myself that using the wrong words can lower my self esteem or make me feel inadequate.

But I get off the train, a whole 2 hours of madness that nobody else seemed to mind. I kept it together somehow, though I am exhausted...but being exhausted doesn't mean my brain is going to relax anytime soon, because the anxiety of my journey back to London is enough to keep me on edge until the weekend is over.