A heavy cloud

Nobody talks about suicidal ideation on the autism spectrum. 

It’s still such a taboo subject…why?

I’ll to to share something with you whilst needlessly feeling shame. 

I cannot remember a day where I didn’t have the words “just do it” at the back of my mind. 

I hear it when I’m laughing and joking with my friends, I can hear it when I’m driving in my car, singing my heart out to my favourite songs and enjoying the sunshine on my cheeks. Blissful momentary distraction…it doesn’t last very long though. 

My thoughts are relentless, obsessive, frightening…and when verbalized…only taken lightly.

This particular dark cloud has been above me for a while now. Sometimes it goes for a little bit and a little bit of sunshine breaks through and I begin to feel a little better.

But this dark cloud has been there longer than it hasn’t. And they always say “you’re not alone” 

But you feel it because you know that as an autistic person, the world still isn’t ready to accommodate you. 

As always….teetering on the edge.

Will I always feel so disconnected? 

Our words are sometimes simple, but in no way do they lack substance, all you have to do is listen, and kind words go a long way.